The Sock Elves Rise Against.

I have dire news from the world of Socklandia. The Sockie Race has been wiped out almost completely (there were about a thousand of them that were hiding under the stack of porn mags smoking your hidden stash so they weren’t noticed), The Sweaties have had their numbers diminished dramatically, and the Lint Sect has had losses beyond those seen in the great sock war of ’03.

On the minds of all of those reading I’m sure is “Who could possibly perpetrate such a heinous crime?” (Unless you put two and two together from the picture above in which case you’re obviously smarter than the people who couldn’t figure it out.) Well, fear not, for I will not make you wait. The evil-doer, behind this atrocity is none other then the Zombie Cat.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with this terrible creature of the night, but understand that he is one the most terrible, and dangerous creatures ever to have roamed the earth. He is actually patient zero for the rabies virus, though no one will ever admit it. Other than being the reason so many cute little animals turn on their owners, or why Ozzy Osbourne was forced to endure several shots to his posterior after his ill advised decision to bite the head off of a live bat, the Zombie Cat has been attempting to overthrow various mythical creatures. The toothfairy? Disemboweled, and subsequently devoured by the vicious feline zombie. The easterbunny? Decapitated, with it’s head used for a cat toy. Santa Claus? Well Santa would totally eff up the Zombie Cat, but as he can only leave the North Pole once a year (for fear of permanently throwing the earth off of it’s axis), and the Zombie Cat isn’t dumb enough to go to the North pole himself knowing that Santa would take him out, and have cat steaks for dinner that night. Anyway, I digress, Zombie Cat has a history of being a bad dude, and his latest target was the Sock Elves.

Now, I just want to put it out there, that the Sock Elves didn’t go quietly which is why there are still some left, because the sock elves are a strong and prideful people, who feel a great desire to protect themselves against outside forces whenever possible. However, due to their diminutive stature their individual power is very low, which is why when up against a powerful foe, all of the sock elf sects will come together, and in the case of the Great Zombie Cat attack of 2010 it was no different.

It all began on a normal Sock Elf night, the Sweater Sect had left Socklandia in order to start moving dressers and other odds and ends around your house. The Sockies were protesting the unfair treatment of striped socks, while the Lint Sect was working dililgently on spooling collected lint into spools of thread to later be sold or processed as clothing. Little Sock elf children were playing hide and seek in the condom box, and a general calm and contentment had fallen over the land of Socklandia. Suddenly as if it were a high speed eclipse a blackness came over the land until the drawer was ripped open, and they all looked to the skies to see the silhouette of a manic feline, teeth bared, malice-filled eyes red, staring down at them. The Sock Elves acted fast, armies appearing out of no where, elastic sling shots appeared, marbles, and darts, and all manner of paraphernalia began streaking through the air like little comets streaking across the night sky.

They were too late however, as they were making their preperations a white paw swooped down taking out lines of Sock Elf soldiers, leaving a pile of blood lint and cat fur in it’s wake. Quickly following, the cat leapt through the air taking the hits from the sock elf weaponry in stride and began furiously batting at, and mawing the sock elves that stepped into it’s path. The battle escalated, sockies forgoing their normally peaceful ways began using their protest signs as torpedoes, wounding the fiendish feline with flying signs from protests gone by. The Zombie Cat retaliated against the sock elves with renewed aggression, and with a swipe of it’s paw fell hundreds of thousands of his tie dyed foes. Concurrently the Sweater Sect hearing the commotion leapt fiercely into battle and began tying the zombie cat with their sweater wool until with a feat of enviable strength he tore free of the bounds killing many of the Sweater Sect in the process.

In an act of brilliance that will be talked about for years to come. The Lint Sect began furiously moving around in a seemingly random pattern, and then suddenly in the midst of their movement a shape began to from. After much additional scurrying, and more and more sock elves joined in until a dog appeared in their midst teeth bared, and leapt at Zombie cat. An epic battle ensued, a pile of fur and teeth and claws tumbling end over end with the dog gradually taking the upper hand, and finally grabbing Zombie Cat by the scruff of the neck, then with a large shake of the mysterious dog’s head Zombie Cat fell unconcious and was thrown from Socklandia. The Drawers were closed, and the sock elves began to pick themselves up after the disaster, and the Lint sect walked to the dog, and pulled a spare piece of lint, which resulted in the dog being reduced to a pile of thread, and various bits and pieces of metal, and cermamics.

The Lint Sect had realized that the only way to get rid of an annoying cat is a dog, and so the Lint Sect saved the Sock Elves by creating a Robot Dog to fight the Zombie Cat, if human kind would take notice the inevitable zombie invasion will only be that much easier, as nothing is better at zombie destruction than a robot.

Advertisement

~ by sockdrawerconfessional on February 19, 2010.