What happened to my left sock?

I am here today not to provide a recommendation, but rather to write about a real and daunting issue that haunts each of us on a sem-regular basis. That issue of course is what happens to my left sock? As not only a ruler of the sock drawer, but the purveyor of confessions from said drawer I am uniquely qualified to provide answers to this baffling question humanity has been trying to tackle for centuries.

The answer in short is Sock Elves, now of course this is not enough information nay, if anything it leaves more questions than answers. So because of this I will tell you the story in long.

What many people fail to understand is that inside our sock drawers there is a constant battle between the various contingents of sock elves that live therein. For background purposes I will explain the three main contingincies:
The Lint Sect
The Lint Sect is a group of Sock Elves who’s main harvest is the lint buildup that occurs in the bottom of the sock Drawer. They are a mostly peaceful tribe, though when provoked have been known to hold grudges for extended amounts of time.
The Sweater Sect
The Sweater Sect is a group of Sock Elves who’s main harvest is stray thread hanging from your socks. If no stray threads are present they will begin to unravel socks to generally at the heals and toes. They are called The Sweater Sect because they make the ugly sweaters that your grandmother gives you for Christmas. They are a bellicose, and ill willed tribe, also, they move your furniture at night so you stub your toes in the dark.
The Sockies
The Sockies are a group of Sock Elves who don’t believe in labels, and as such don’t call themselves anything. The term Sockies comes from the other sock elves, and is thought of as a negative term. They believe everyone is equal and love everyone. They will smoke any paraphernalia that may be left in your drawer. They are fond of tie die, and protest everything, once in an example of poor protest organization one group of Sockies protested another group of Sockies protest against the injustices of being in a drawer sans paraphernalia. This is considered an embarrassment to the Sockies and should not be mentioned.

Okay, now that all of that is out of the way, lets get back to your left sock. Inside your sock drawer the sock elves are constantly bargaining position, well, not usually the sockies, they’re usually just getting high and protesting the capitalist tendencies of the other sects. Anyway, so the Sweater Sect hereby referred to as the Sweaties, often go through a recession of sorts when you buy new socks on account of the lack of loose threads, and will borrow in great amounts from the Lint Sect hereby referred to as the the LS. The LS gradually amass a huge wealth, and the Sweaties wealth gets lower and lower. Being a naturally bellicose tribe they invariably attack the Sockies to steal their wealth, and find nothing of value, though they reek much havoc, and generally leave reeking of patchouli. The Sweaties hereby referred to as the Super Sweaty Sect of Sock Elves will then in frustration turn with great rage upon their debtors the LS. Now, the LS hereby referred to as a bunch of pissed of sock elves who thought they were being nice to the Super Sweaty Sect of Sock Elves and feel betrayed by the Super Sweaty Sect of Sock Elves will invariably fight back as they’re not dumb and deserve what they have. So great wars between the Super Sweaty Sect of Sock Elves, and The Bunch of Pissed off Sock Elves Who Thought They Were Being Nice to the Super Sweaty Sect of Sock Elves will commence. These battles wage for many sock elf years, and great casualties will pile on up on both sides. Now, being limited by what they can find in their surroundings Sock Elves have limited weaponry at their disposal, but being naturally ingenuitive creatures, they have found ways to fashion weaponry out of the one thing they have at their disposal: Socks. Now, as the sock elves year is roughly 1/100th in length of our own time goes by fairly fast, and these battles are infrequent, so it is only “semi-regular” in our own time that such events would occur. However in their wars socks will often be lost, and more specifically Left Socks. Once, there was the great Right Sock war, which was unmatched in it’s brutality, and body count but that is a story for another time. So now we know that the Left Socks are used as weapons in the Sock Elf Wars, but occasionally a Sockie will try to smoke one as well. So next time you are upset over a missing sock, know that not only should you be mourning the loss of your beloved left sock, but of the lives of countless sock elves as well.

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~ by sockdrawerconfessional on February 3, 2010.